Suck on this!

So how do we plead to the charge of resorting to controlling Olivia by plugging a dummy in her gob? Given the incontrovertible evidence above I suppose we have no option but to cop a guilty a plea and live with the shame, but allow me to throw in a few mitigating circumstances. Yes, we had vowed never to use dummies - though this didn't stop us buying a few just in case - just as we've vowed she will only eat organic vegetables and macrobiotic fruit, or she will if they're on the menu at Mickey D's anyway. But she was scriking and we'd exhausted our repertoire of soothing strategies - change nappy, offer food, chuck her in the air a bit - and there was no sign of a let up.

So yes, we did what we should never have done, and no doubt for the sake of a few minutes of peace for us we have hostaged her future chances in life. As she began to suck for dear life - stifle your sniggering Simms - a vision of her future flashed before our eyes. Pregnant at 14, hanging around outside school trying to score Turkey Twizzlers, supporting Bolton; it was a dark and horrible sight. But she was quiet, so we'll deal with that stuff then.

So yes, middle class guidebooks may prefer you to give your baby a rusty syringe to suck on rather than a dummy, but it's done now. Later that night Cath ransacked the thousand How-to books we possess in search of something positive about dummies, and found words of consolation in, of all places, guru/fascist Gina Ford's book. This of course troubled us even more. If Gina Ford thinks it's good to use them, just how bad must it be?

Anyway I'm sure it won't pose any trouble when we try to prise it off her...